Feeling blue.


I have to admit, I’ve been pretty depressed recently. I haven’t lost weight since the baby, because I’m stress eating. I had to take much more time off, so I’m totally out of cash; I can’t even go shopping at the dollar store or take my son out to eat. I had a colic kid (she’s doing better), so no sleep. And this week, my beloved cousin went to the hospital sick. She’s in ICU and knocking on deaths door. Hopefully, she will pull through, but it’s touch and go. She has acute renal failure, liver failure, internal bleeding (you need a liver to have clotting), and is on a ventilator.

I have no part of me that feels jolly or joy right now.

And all I want to do is go for a LONG run.

Fuck this snow.

More Snow


Another 10′ snow, where can it go? Stuck in the house again.

I’m bored out of my gourd. The baby has only napped longer that 15 minutes twice today. The first was a half an hour of shoveling and the 2rd was a 4 minute shower and dinner prep. I sit in fear of doing anything, because the baby will just start screaming. /sigh

Was a bit hungover today, but at least my Pats won.

Someday, I will exercise.

Awesome post via MindBodyGreen


http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-15374/3-things-that-keep-you-from-an-abundant-life.html

3 Things That Keep You From An Abundant Life

I’ve worked with hundreds of clients who blocked their path to an abundant life without realizing it. Does this sound like you?

If you want more out of your life but can’t quite seem to get there, here are three ways that you might be misusing the law of attraction and blocking yourself from abundance.

1. You set your intentions from a place of lack.

Have you ever set an intention for $1,000,000, a new sports car, or a killer vacation to some exotic place?

If you actually want to receive your manifestations, it’s really important to investigate why you want your intentions to manifest. When you begin to truthfully investigate your intentions, quite often you will find that the intentions are coming from a place of lack.

Try asking yourself:

  • Why do I want to manifest millions? Do you want more money so you can be more attractive to potential partners or make someone have more respect for you?
  • Why do I want that new job? Do you want a new job to impress your parents or get more power and prestige?
  • Why do I want to manifest perfect health for my partner in the hospital? Are you trying to manifest a complete recovery for your partner in the hospital because you’re scared to be alone, or because you believe that you are lost without your partner?

All of those intentions are wonderful, but if you answered yes to any of the above questions, your intentions are being set from a place of:

“I’m not enough the way I am. I am not whole and need something outside of me to be enough. I am in lack without these things.”

If you are setting intentions from a place of inherent lack, the law of attraction will give you more lack to confirm what you believe to be true about yourself even if you are asking for abundance.

Like attracts like. If underneath your intentions you believe you are in lack without something or someone in your life, the law of attraction will send you more evidence to confirm your belief about your lack.

2. You’re stuck in old patterns.

When trying to use the law of attraction, most people want to focus all their effort on asking, doing visualizations, and convincing themselves that they believe they already have set their intention.

Setting intentions, doing visualizations and believing, are all important steps toward manifestation. However, they are only half of the equation. The other half of the equation has to do with your learned truth about yourself.

As a child and adult, you learn things about yourself and about life that keep you stuck in patterns of lack.

For an example, maybe someone told you growing up that you weren’t good enough or some event happened that made you feel unworthy of receiving love, attention or approval. We all have our skeletons in the closet that continue to haunt us and influence our behaviors until we find a way to heal from them.

The first part of the equation to manifesting abundance is about healing and interrupting the patterns that keep parts of you stuck in believing that you aren’t good enough, aren’t capable of manifesting, or aren’t worthy of receiving abundance.

When thoughts and old beliefs go un-investigated, they form patterns in your life that attract more and more evidence that the old beliefs about yourself are true.

Like attracts like. If you have an old pattern or belief about yourself that is based in lack, you have to heal that pattern first, or you will continue to unconsciously attract more lack and block your conscious manifestations for abundance.

3. You’re attached to a certain outcome.

This one is one of the biggest blocks to abundance.

Imagine someone has a crush on you. They like you and really want to take you out on a date. They ask you out every day, leave you flowers, call you, text you, and try to convince you to give them what they want: a date!

When that person is so attached to the outcome of you going out on a date with them, how does that make you feel? It most likely makes you feel repelled by them instead of attracted.

That’s exactly what happens when you are attached to the idea of your intention coming true. It actually pushes your intention farther away and attracts the opposite of your intention.

How?

Well, you attract the opposite of your intention because your attachment to the result typically means that a part of you feels incomplete. This part of you believes it needs your intention to be fulfilled in order to feel complete. Since you feel incomplete and like attracts like, you will attract more incompleteness — aka: no date!

The key to avoiding these common blocks to attract abundance, is manifesting from a place of wholeness and completeness. Learn how to become a true magnet for abundance by setting intentions from a place of abundance, so you can heal old patterns and investigate attachment wounds. Happy manifesting!

On Weight. Jan 15. Also, a rough life plan.


Ah, post-baby weight. I’m stuck inside with a colic baby, eating out of boredom and fear (bored eating is new for me, but there is this fear that I’ll stop eating again). I’m eating crap out of sheer unhappiness, not because it makes me feel better, but time and energy has been in short supply when I just need to eat. I feel like butt. My loose skin is looser, because I carried higher and stretch the parts that I didn’t before.

How much of this is postpartum? I dunno.

I know I just need to find time to do an exercise I like (and I can’t run this winter with the newborn). I’m in such a funk.

I think, though, when I get back to my pre-baby fitness level, I’ll do it again. This has a lot to do with an ear worm from my mother. When she was drunk, she asked if I wanted another kid or if I was done. I told her that it was probably best to stop at two. She asked what I wanted, not what I thought, so I replied of course I do. I always wanted a large family. She said well 3 is not that much harder than 2, and I CAN’T GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD. In a way, she is right, but what if that small bit is the straw? I’ve had to give up my dream of a big family twice (2 ex-husbands), should I give it up now?

Either way, I could never handle it post-baby weight. I’m at 172, and I was 145. 27lbs need to fall off, but without the running, I don’t know if I can. I can’t count calories, because I’m in recovery from an eating disorder (8 years going), but it’s right there and so easy to give into right now.  Food makes me unhappy, like I’ve failed (which is totally a product of ED). I’ve continued eating, but it’s a struggle atm. If I just jumped into it, it would be disastrous. The weight gain would destroy me. I hate my body right now and I can’t afford new clothes that fit which really doesn’t help.

I don’t even know if I could use a baby as a goal. Or use a love life as a goal, but these feel far away.

New Years Resolution.


It’s a little late for this post, I suppose, but I took most of the month trying to figure out my goal for the year. My last years resolution went alright. I made progress on all of them, but towards the end of the year there was a total back slide.

I think this year, I’m going to focus on my spiritual self. After a lot of reflection, I realize that I’m failing pretty hard on making myself better. My last marriage has really given me this very heavy baggage. I’m not sure I’ll ever look for love again, even though I’m lonely. I feel like a total failure, a terrible package. It also has a lot to do with having to move back into the family house after leaving my last husband. I’m stuck here now, with the responsiblity of taking care of my aging grandfather. I can’t help but think who would ever want a poor, 30 yr old, single mother with 2 kids that lives at home.

My brain knows this is a problem; it’s self defeating. This needs to change. I need to recover from this. I don’t know where to start, but F it, I’m starting anyways.

Lack of run.


So in the last week, I’ve only managed to do one sprint/walk on the treadmill. I am feeling terrible about the world in general. I used my run time as a time of reflection and meditation, me time, but without it I feel lost. I spent a good time of my pregnancy struggling with my eating disorder. I didn’t fall back into the patterns, but those feelings of guilt when I eat are alive and kicking. I stopped eating veg/vegan, but I want to get back there. I’m struggling with that too. It’s so much more difficult to exercise and cook (or shower, sh*t, laundry, clean…) with a colic baby. I feel stagnant and lost without my running and I need to figure out something else to get that feeling until the weather is warm (I’ll jog with the stroller). I haven’t been able to work, because no one will watch a colic kid. I’ve never enjoyed the treadmill (there is one in the house, but  really hate it and it makes me dizzy). I like yoga and zumba, but I like classes and not really doing it alone. I do know how to meditate, but meh. I think I just need to get my weight back down before I begin a spiral.

The Birth.


Anna Jo

The birth development actually started on Nov. 25th. I went into the doctors and was 5cm dilated. I was excited and thought I’d deliver that weekend… I was wrong. A week later I was still only 5cm.

My due date was Dec. 5th. The day before, my doctor decided to induce me, since she was worried that I’d have a baby in the car; I also think the was the on call too, so it would be easy for her. Unfortunately, the hospital was booked. The doctor decide to somehow direct admit me from the office, somehow.

When I got there, the midwife said she would stretch my cervix and say that I was in pain and 7cm. Well, I was ready to put on an Oscar performance. I still wasn’t having many contractions, and they were not consistent. It didn’t happen though. I was actually 7cm upon arrival. I wasn’t surprised since I had done that with my son too.

Needless to say, I got direct admitted to the hospital. I had breakfast and then just went to the hospital ready to illustrate my acting chops. I acted uncomfortable, but as I was checking in, and nurse came down and was like, “get her upstairs, now!”. I joke with her that she had to deliver a baby a year anyways. She replied that it was December, and she had obviously already done that this year.

So, I didn’t have to act. They were all amazed that I was fine. The next step was to break my water. The doctor also wanted to give me pictocin. I was not happy about it, but decided to trust my doctor. After that contractions began. I spent time chatting with the nurse and the resident.

I was forced to stay on my side, since whenever I turned to my back, my blood pressure would skyrocket. All I wanted to do was walk around and forgo the pain killers. But, I had encountered a familiar enemy: Pictocin.

Apparently, my body is hyper-sensitive to pictocin. After a few hours, my contraction were not stop (literally). I was rolling and crying out in agony. Well, since I couldn’t walk around anyways, I was like “f* this,” and chose to get an epidural. The nurse had to shut off the pictocin to give me a break to get it, and poof, all better.

After this, the pain was gone. It was basically, pretty easy. I could somewhat feel my legs. There was only one point where I was too numb to move. At that point the nurse asked my to roll over some more, but I heard lift your bum. At my super failing attempt, the nurse thought I was having a seizure. It was pretty hilarious.

Right after 6pm the nurse told me to do the obligatory practice push to determine how long it would take, so I did a paltry push. I pushed 2.5 hours with my son before having an emergency c-section and was pretty convinced that I was not the best pusher. During the push, however, the nurse yelled “STOP!”. She then explained that she again did not want to deliver a baby, and that if I continued she would have to.

So the doctor came pretty quickly. It only took 2 pushes, she came out.

ANNA JO

was born Dec. 5th at 6:15pm. She weighed 6lbs 14oz and was 19 1/4in.

The Journey to My Daughter.


As some of you may remember, I used a donor. This donor that I found was not a traditional one. I used a local donor without the aid of a bank.

I got pregnant on my first cycle, right after my 30th birthday. I kept running for 6 months during my pregnancy, but it was often touch and go. Early on I had bleeding, which ended up being a cervical polyp. I also had some unexplained bleeding during points in the pregnancy.

Other than that, I had a pretty easy pregnancy. I spent months 3-5 thinking I was having a boy. I was wrong. I had a handful of cravings and managed to be able to get up under my own power.

I gained 38lbs. I was not pleased by this but managed to keep eating normally. As an anorexic in recovery, this was a tough burden. I did move from vegan to vegetarian to omnivore during the pregnancy (currently back to vegetarian). \

Overall, I stayed healthy and worked throughout the pregnancy and it was much easier than my first.

Out of Ideas – Whatcha Got?


I’ve been quiet lately, and that’s mostly because I feel boring. Now, I know I am actually not boring, and I may, in fact, be a bit of a funny girl. I, however, have totally run out of topics to cover. I do have a couple of e-books on the topic (free e-books are awesome). I thought that it would be more fun if my handful of readers gave me topics. So in the spirit of fun, I will cover ANY topic that is suggested to me whether it is heart-breaking or belly busting.

Let the fun commence.

What I did today.


So, I’ve been pretty quiet, but my life has been boring. I’ve been out running a handful of times, including today. I even went for a walk with a friend. So I had a exercise day.

Yesterday was more exciting. I set up a playdate for my son. We went to a lake. It had a life guard and about five kids total. My son is about the size of a 4 year old (but he’s 7). He also cannot swim. My friend was playing with him and let him go. The problem is that her daughter (same age) is much much bigger. He totally went under and she didn’t notice. Luckily, I was nearby and pulled him up (about 5 feet away). He was shoot up, but felt reassured that mom would save him. Later in the day, he actually tried and almost successfully to swim. Generally, he refused to go under at all.

I also put out a fire. Not a campfire, but a fire on the side of the road. It was in the shrubbery around a business. I pulled over and used water from my car to put it out (I had a lot of water). It was only about a square foot when I saw it and pulled over. No one else had stopped. Guess, I did a good thing, ’cause when I went by later it was still out.

:)

Baby band run.


Today, I did my first run with a pregnancy support belt. I’ve pretty much limited myself to 3 milers, but it’s something, right?

Overall, it did help. Baby didn’t like it at first but at the 2 mile mark, I really noticed the difference. The only downside was that I wasn’t faster, but that could have been the sweltering heat.

A Nice Day.


Lately, I’ve been having kinda crappy days. This might be enhanced by not running (I’m waiting for friday to buy a support band). But today was nice. Something that hasn’t happened in a good long time, in fact, has happened.

Yes, I got hit on. Ok, so it has been a long time that someone not high, good-looking, or my own age has hit on me (that’s because I work at a gas station over night on sundays, so I get those types). It was really nice. I certainly didn’t drop the preggo bomb yet, but I did give him my number, which he is currently texting. I’m not sure at what point I should drop that, but I’m going to milk it a bit; my ego could use it. I am, however, rusty like a push mower. Dunno if I’m cutting it :)

2rd New Years Resolution complete.


2rd New Years Resolution complete.

Today, I have completed my second, yes second, resolution. I have run my first 5K.

My time was respectable? 37.05. Well, that’s a crap time, but HELL I’m pregnant. It was also a super crowded race. It totaled 1500 people… on a street. There wasn’t one moment of passing or getting passed; it was the entire way. Even though I didn’t really enjoy it (it was claustrophobia inducing), I will probably do it again.

Today I’m sad.


Today is already scheduled to be difficult. It started with me needing to give my brother a ride to his college, but I woke him up and he’s like, “I’m gonna need a little time; like and hour or more.”  So this leads me to the question of why am I up?

Fair enough, young men are flakes (older ones too). Later today, I have an IEP meeting at my son’s school. This will be unfun. I have to see my ex (and maybe my son, I hope). I get to drive up there but I have no gas, so yay. Then we get to talk about what they plan on doing to stop his Autistic behaviors. He’s been violent, loud, and defiant. This wouldn’t be so bad, but I have told his father that he’s not going back to that school. There may be a fight afterwards, after the teachers disappear. He’s going to be “see they’re doing better,” which I’m going to disagree with.

Today, I also made the horrible mistake of weighing myself. I’m way more heavy than I thought. Admittedly, it’s probably more intestinal backup than real weight. It doesn’t hurt less though. With that, I am promptly returning to mostly vegan, mostly because I’ll keep a few vegetarian meals a week. I’m going to try my hardest not to see this as a diet. I know it’s wrong, but it will at least help with the back up, so I can know how big I’ve actually gotten, so that I can adjust my intake from there.

So, I’m sad today. Hopefully, my Aunt takes me for the promised shopping trip today, but I’m not expecting it. She’s the biggest welch on the planet. Yeah, sad.

Did I mention my long term lack of love life? Who wants to date a pregnant chick?

So, milestones?


Today was nice. I didn’t have time for a run, so I did a ten minute workout before work. Either it was good or I’m sore from yesterday, probably the later.

I did, however, get a slightly bigger pay check this week, $20 bigger. So I did a little shopping. I bought 3x 5 pairs of gerber onesies at 3 dollars a pop (so 15 total) and maternity shorts for a total of about about $15. This is the first real baby stuff I bought so that’s exciting.

I also told some of my close family today, so it was a nice day.

I did a run.


Well, mostly. I set one of my New Years goals as running a 5k. The specific one I wanted to run is the 14th. So today I wanted to give the 5k a new test run. I’ve been maxing out pretty quick. After the pregnancy problems holding me from running, I’m way low on the mileage. Today, I did 1.5 and 1.5. Not on purpose! I got a call 1.5 in that I had to take.

I only totaled 4 today. My bladder beat me :(

Oh, did I mentioned it was raining? I ran in the frickin’ RAIN!

It’s been a while, I’m boring


I’m boring. The reason has been half boring, half real life shit.

There has been a big downslide for the last couple of weeks with my son. He got the idea that when he’s bad in school he comes home. He does, so he’s biting, hitting, throwing, and screaming. It’s been stressful. He’s even been doing it at home, now. Today, I called the local police to have them talk to him about hitting. It didn’t go great, but they were very nice.

The baby and son have squashed my energy to run. I haven’t had the time or the sleep to do it, but I feel lost without it. I’ve developed a wonderful food aversion to soft veggies. Awesome, it was my diet. I’ve felt so fat and stressed out. I miss my run zen. I still want to run, but life keeps eating my free time. I hope to convince myself to go back to a healthy diet.

I didn’t realize how much harder the weight has been to deal with this time. I’ve gained 5-6lbs, but it feels like a hundred. Because of the extra skin from the first, my stomach has changed so much more drastically than the first time. I’ve already had the balance/back shift too. None of my pants fit. This is overwhelming to my recovered-food brain. The urges are so much harder to bare with the anorexia. I’m still eating; I’ve fought remarkably and have maintained my recovery, so go me.

I think I might do a series of pregnancy fit video reviews to give myself something to look forward to.

Unrelated note, I’m pretty sure I saw a penis on the 12 week ultrasound, even though you generally can’t. The ultrasound tech agreed, but said don’t buy anything yet, just in case. My hope for dresses have been dashed.

j.lol

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