As I was running today, I thought about a lot of things (as I always do). It’s funny that I have such a passion for running. I spent six years in the military and during that time I had to run. I ran often, but I hated it. Admittedly, I rarely ran long distances. I thought I was so bad at it. By the end, I swam instead and took swim tests. Now, I’m madly in love with pounding the pavement. I don’t feel good if I don’t put in my time running every week. I generally run 80-120 miles a month (at least 20 a week). I feel like a beautiful machine when I run. All of a sudden, everything makes sense.
So, I wonder, how fast can I run a mile and a half? It was the distance I tested while serving. My best time was 13:50. I am fairly sure I could beat that now. When it warms up, I think I’ll try.
The most strange thought entered my head then. I thought, “I can’t do that. I’m too short. I’m too big.” For informational purposes, I’m 5’2 and I weigh 153lbs. I’m not big, certainly not small, but not big either. I’m an hourglass, even at my biggest my waist was 12in smaller than my hips(8in-12in is the normal range for this). I don’t really look it, but I’m muscular; how could I not be at this point? As I was thinking this, I was looking at my shadow. I saw big hips and bigger legs. I saw lots of jiggle. I realized I was seeing myself at my biggest (210lbs). I do jiggle, everyone does. I saw this big girl that once felt so betrayed by her body. I have hypothyroidism, which got really bad when I got pregnant even with medication. I remember feeling so betrayed as my body gained when I could barely stomach food. I was left with a nice pouch of extra skin and I will never look skinny now (unless I have surgery). I thought I was ok with that, but every so often I have a moment when I am that fat lady fighting her body. Sometimes I see a ghost, but think it is who I really am. Some part of me will always be the Big Girl.