Closed and Opened

While I’m still in a good mood this week has been rough. For the workout-ness, I did get to the new gym, but the pool wasn’t opened. It is supposed to be opened tomorrow, and I might just leave at 5am to hit it first. I failed utterly at the treadmill, like always, but I had fun on the stepper. The rest of my life is going ok. Got a job that will cover gas, phone, and insurance. It won’t cover anything else, but it’s a start. I’m getting an interview for a second job, but that will be minimum wage and only 6-12 hours a week, but that’s 6 hours I didn’t have before.

The family life is in a bit of turmoil though. My godfather was diagnosed with terminal stomach cancer. I’m not that upset. He has AIDS and this has been a long time coming. He said some awful things to my cousin last year and we haven’t talked since. She’s my favorite cousin though, and she’s a mess. He is an addict, and she’s an alcoholic. She lives out of state and it’s always messy with these two. My godfather choose drugs over his family, and I know what it feels like when a father does that. I was older when it happened to me, but she was young. I never forgave my father, even though I’m not angry with him anymore. She has never been able to find peace with this. I choose her, because I thought that just once in her life she should be chosen first. Her father choose drugs, I believe her husband did too at least at first, her mother chose her douche of a husband, but I chose her. In my eyes, he chose his bed, but for her, he tucked her in her bed.

I think the part that bothers her the most is that our aunt and uncle chose him too. They have both been so ugly in their vices. It has caused some tension between me and my aunt, because I will never choose him. I don’t understand how you say awful things to your child. Let me give you an example, my cousin had stage 3 cancer. When she was sick, he said to her, “I wish you were dead.” Who says that?! That’s the most messed up thing you can say to someone you love. My aunt even blamed my cousin because he was getting his karmic comeuppance. I had to take a couple of deep breathes on that one, as my fury was blinding, but I know that she’s speaking from a place of pain.

Well if that wasn’t fun enough, another beloved cousin’s daughter said she was going to kill herself today. She’s 16, and has a fairly easy life. She might not be mommy’s or daddy’s favorite, but she gets more than most. But she is 16, and a 16 year old vision of the world is a thing unto itself. I’m not supposed to know about this yet, but I do. I’m not to worried, because they sent her to get the help she needs, and it wasn’t an attempt. My brother did attempt suicide when he was that age, so I’ve been in this before. I know how the game plays.

Even through all of that, I’ve still got a smile. I think that the world has been storming over me so long, that I have a proverbial umbrella now. I feel strong enough to take it at this moment. I’m the mountain climber!


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