Difficult days


The end of the year is a time people often reflect on what has happened during the course of the year. Only the walls know exactly how much I have to reflect on, but I do not find myself doing this. The end of this year and the beginning of this one raise a different sort of reflection. This is the last day of of my year of my fail marriage, and tomorrow is the first anniversary of the same. I don’t think I made the wrong choice to leave my husband after he put his hands on my throat, but it brings forth all these self doubts. This is my second failed marriage. I find these horrible thoughts creeping in.

Is there something wrong with me? Am I unworthy of love? Am I too unattractive to keep a man sexually interested in me? Will I always be alone? There is a reason no one can love me. Will I always fail at being with someone? I will never be happy while I am so lonely.

Now, the intelligent part of my brain is getting angry. I am sure that these secret doubts are bubbling up from the cracks in my heart. Even though my best friend crushed me with the pressure that his hands didn’t put on me, I am positive none of these things are true. I sit here in an expected and exasperating ball of internal turmoil.

So, today I’ll suck up more of these doubts into the abyss that I haven’t quite conquered yet, and do my best to move forward through the next two days with a smile. I’ll imbibe some good spirit and pretend to be happy for my son and family. I will remain this untarnished rock of impermeable will and spirit that they need me to be, when all I want to do it cry. And I will do this will a smile (and maybe even a hang over).

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13 thoughts on “Difficult days

  1. you are a beautiful intelligent strong woman! you are talented!
    i totally understand the doubt and disenfranchisement you are feeling, and i think it is normal. it is grief. and even though it hurts like hell it’s healthy. next year you will reread your blog post, and you will see your progress. you are the only one who can place a value on you! you are worthy! rely on the healthy ppl and cut away the cancers, that is all you can do. it is more difficult to do than it sounds, but you can always contact me, anytime, and i will help you remember the strong person you have shown me you are! rock it sister! dance barefoot in the front yard bc you are a great gal and the moon celebrates you!

    • Man if it wasn’t frigid and I had a yards, I’d be in the yard right now. Although the first marriage ended as amicably as a marriage could, it is easier the second time around. I think it’s that I was so very happy exactly one year ago. Maybe later, when the festivities start, I’ll shake off the funk.

  2. I don’t spend much time reading posts. But when I do, yours inspire me. There’s a spark in your words. Thank you. (: For being strong, for your many encouragements and the posts you write. Happy New Years, and may 2014 be a year you can continue to cope with. (:

  3. To the 2nd paragraph, point by point, no, no, no, no, no,no, and no. And one more no thrown in for good measure. No one should ever put their hands on another human in that manner. You were wise to leave. Take your time, you’ll get stronger as you move on, and you’ll find someone on your terms. Look at the unconditional love that your child has for you. There is nothing as pure as a child’s love. You can and will do it.

    Rob

  4. The only hands that should ever be on you are those at the end of a tight embrace. I am just beginning the year of my divorce (an early Christmas present from my wife) We still love one another, but following a 3 year journey across the USA, we came to realize that it was more the love of friendship. I know this has been an exasperating time for you…but don’t add to it by doubting yourself. You are not alone. I offer my support and wish for you a new year full of promise and unexpected joys. Hang in there!

  5. These same thoughts flood my mind about myself from time to time. I think it occurs for every woman at one point or another. The difference between those who survive these thoughts and those who don’t, is that the survivors don’t give in to them. You are a survivor. Use that as your reason to be happy. You are so strong for standing up for yourself and leaving an abusive marriage. The number of times a marriage has failed for you does not equal your worth. Go into the new year with a sense of pride and strength because you are worthy.

    If nothing else, you have your beautiful son and US! Thank you for sharing your life with us. I appreciate that. I believe next year you’ll have a lot of wonderful things to share with us and I look forward to that. And thank you for reading MY rambles. I’m sure it’s a lot to put up with. Lol! 🙂

  6. Having ended a toxic relationship myself this year my thoughts are with you. Know that you’ve made the right choice and that you are worthy of love. Go into 2014 with the strength you’ve proved you have inside you.

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