On Weight. Jan 15. Also, a rough life plan.

Ah, post-baby weight. I’m stuck inside with a colic baby, eating out of boredom and fear (bored eating is new for me, but there is this fear that I’ll stop eating again). I’m eating crap out of sheer unhappiness, not because it makes me feel better, but time and energy has been in short supply when I just need to eat. I feel like butt. My loose skin is looser, because I carried higher and stretch the parts that I didn’t before.

How much of this is postpartum? I dunno.

I know I just need to find time to do an exercise I like (and I can’t run this winter with the newborn). I’m in such a funk.

I think, though, when I get back to my pre-baby fitness level, I’ll do it again. This has a lot to do with an ear worm from my mother. When she was drunk, she asked if I wanted another kid or if I was done. I told her that it was probably best to stop at two. She asked what I wanted, not what I thought, so I replied of course I do. I always wanted a large family. She said well 3 is not that much harder than 2, and I CAN’T GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD. In a way, she is right, but what if that small bit is the straw? I’ve had to give up my dream of a big family twice (2 ex-husbands), should I give it up now?

Either way, I could never handle it post-baby weight. I’m at 172, and I was 145. 27lbs need to fall off, but without the running, I don’t know if I can. I can’t count calories, because I’m in recovery from an eating disorder (8 years going), but it’s right there and so easy to give into right now.  Food makes me unhappy, like I’ve failed (which is totally a product of ED). I’ve continued eating, but it’s a struggle atm. If I just jumped into it, it would be disastrous. The weight gain would destroy me. I hate my body right now and I can’t afford new clothes that fit which really doesn’t help.

I don’t even know if I could use a baby as a goal. Or use a love life as a goal, but these feel far away.


4 thoughts on “On Weight. Jan 15. Also, a rough life plan.

  1. I’ve always admired your strength to keep at recovery despite the disordered thoughts! And also, I’ve always considered the possibility of being a single Mum if I could handle the responsibility of prioritising a child (otherwise, I’ll live with a cat). So again, I’ve always admired you for that too. I hope you manage to find a way to inspire yourself to get out of this funk.

    1. Highs and lows are unavoidable; all I can control is how I handle them. I never want my daughter or son to feel the way I do about food.

    1. I do like the whole vegan thing. It makes me less anxious about food, but it’s been so hard to find time to cook. When I do, i do it in bulk, but it’s still infrequent.

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