For the first time in a long time, I went for a run (I’m not counting my failed attempts on a treadmill). I did my favorite 2.5 mile hill loop. I only did one, but I did it with the baby. This is the first time, and clearly only time in the next week, that the weather participated. It was a windy 57°F.
It’s the first time in 7 years that I have run with a stroller. Yes, a stroller… not a jogger. I’m still too poor to buy myself one, so I said “f*** it” and just ran with what I had. It was much easier than I remember. I’m not sure if that is because I’m more fit or that strollers are just better. But, that’s misleading. It’s flippin’ hard to run with a stroller. My shoulders are on fire, because I couldn’t relax them. I went at a snails pace, but I didn’t care. It was literally 2x harder to do, and I can’t wait to it again. For about an hour, I remembered the zen that comes with the run. I miss it more than words can express. Maybe when I can get a jogger, I’ll get one my 7yo (nearly 8yo) son can sit in too, and make it a real crazy time. He weighs a totally of 42lbs and is the size of a 5yo, so it’s morally strange but doable.
The fog of my depression lifted for a couple of hours. It was like seeing a rainbow in my dreary sky. I haven’t been this depressed since the tail end of my first marriage. Maybe they are both post-partem, but I’m finding myself short tempted and weak willed. Vegan/vegetarian? Nope. The allure of free food overrides it. I have literately lost no weight and I feel like a cow.
I think it doesn’t help that my birthday is Saturday. I don’t really care about getting older, but bad things just seem to happen around my birthday that all of 6 people will remember. Last year, I just left the house and stayed away. The year before that my cousin tried to commit suicide. Lost a wallet with all my b-day money one year on my way to meet friends at a casino; we were all out of state too and I resemble a teenager even post 30. Or maybe the year where the entire group going to my party cancelled at 3 different days of intended partying. This year, I’ve just lost my beloved cousin. I’m just waiting for the next shoe to drop.
I’m trying to stay positive, because my daughter was conceive the weekend of my birthday last year. It’s the only bright birthday I can remember. I’d go for a long birthday run, but it’s going to snow.
I feel buried already.