Last Ditch effort.

I have been so lazy lately. I’m not exercising. I am eating excessively. I hate my body.

So in order to motivate myself, I put into my groups (Special Needs and a Mom group) that I am going for a run. I invited everyone to come. Not a bite yet, but I put it so if someone responds, I have to go.


The Catch

Food is my most heated frienemy. We dance around enjoying each other, but then we talk behind each others backs as soon as one of us turns away. I know what it means to eat healthy and I do, but sometimes it bites me in the arse.

Food and I have a sordid history. For 6 months, I had an eating disorder. I would only eat at work. I would eat low calorie snack and nothing else. At home I wouldn’t eat for days. Food gave me terrible anxiety, so I tried desperately to take it out of the equation. Then I got pregnant… I went cold turkey and right back into the world of food.

What happens next? My thyroid gives up. The smell/sight/thought of chicken makes me so sick I can’t eat. I can’t eat dinner at work now (I worked nights). I snack at my desk, because chicken is unavoidable in a lunch room. I have to force myself to eat. It’s really hit and miss, but my weight skyrockets. I’m not eating too many calories, but, without a metabolism, it doesn’t matter. The doctors can’t get my thyroid levels up. I break 210lb at 5’2.

It took me a long time to lose that weight. Most of it started to come off steady when my thyroid started to kick back into it’s normal (almost too low) range. It took longer to be able to really stomach chicken, which I still don’t fancy all that much even now. The joint pain receded and I ate pretty well. I staid angry at my body for sooo long, and somedays I still am.

Years later the food anxiety began to come back. I ate vegetarian to quell the anxiety that began to grow. It’s an easy equation; if I feel low or stressed out, I don’t want to eat. When your life is out of control, it’s easy to control food. So through my battle with ED, I have learned that it is always there and waiting. I can’t count calories or it becomes so anxiety producing, I can’t function. I ditched vegetarian for 6 months, but found that I felt better and had more energy when I was a vegetarian. So I gave up meat, milk, and eggs and became a vegan. I felt healthier, physically.

So, generally, I don’t stress eat. This week, however, I had a date that got cancelled and rescheduled twice, then he didn’t show up for the date. I felt like a 15 year old getting stood up. This magic yoyo lunch date threw off 3 meals. I was stressed; I was feeling low. So, I ate bad things so at least I ate (conscience decision). Didn’t have much good food left in the house anyways, and I can’t get more at the moment. I ate convenience food. This vegan even ate a bit of meat and cheese, because it was cooked and I was hungry. I snacked. I didn’t get out to run more than 2 times which was at the beginning of the week.

So my masochistic self decided to weigh in. Guess what? I lost weight -.-  I know most people would be happy about that; they eat a lot and lose weight… sign everyone up. But for me, it’s devastating. Admittedly, this has happen a handful of times before, so I wasn’t surprised. I really put a lot of effort into eating right, so why do I deprive myself of awesome foods? Now, I doubt I’m eating enough calories on a normal day. I eat as much as I can, but it’s really hard for me to do. I might eat vegan all day (I made and ate a whole vegan pizza in a sitting this week) and not feel bad, but I can’t calorie count or, bam, I’m anxious again.

This is my catch 22. This will be a sad litany mountain-climbing with food this week. Thanksgiving is now a dreaded event, not because I will eat everything (I don’t eat vegan on holidays), but because I’m going to have to eat. Now, I have to work back into the joy of eating. Thanks frienemy.