Last Ditch effort.

I have been so lazy lately. I’m not exercising. I am eating excessively. I hate my body.

So in order to motivate myself, I put into my groups (Special Needs and a Mom group) that I am going for a run. I invited everyone to come. Not a bite yet, but I put it so if someone responds, I have to go.


A glimmer.

I’ve been having a good week. It’s been a while since I have been able to say that. I finally have plans in my heart again and some urge to complete it. It’s a nice change. My bestie came down from Maine. She basically took me out for an afternoon and let me vent. I think it gave me a little push. I also felt lucky when I got a jumper from Target for 11 buck, which I really needed and the baby actually likes (unlike her bed or the swing).

So the plan starts with my taxes this weekend.

This week, I will call work and leave the case I’m working, because no one will watch my new baby. I’ll offer up working weekends on a new case, because that is the only time I can get babysitting. I will also ask for references.

I will update my resume next week and start looking for new work, hopefully from the hours of 10-2, with maybe a work from home option.

I will go to my local unemployed office and try to get a free ride into CNA or phlebotomy.

I will reapply to college in April to complete my BAs in the fall (I got really ill during my last semester and never returned).

I will do some free college courses in the summer and brush up on my Mandarin

I will use my tax return to get Zumba certified and maybe Reiki certified.

I will use income from those to get Yoga instructor certified and other related certs probably focusing on plus size clients.

This will give me plenty of opportunities for flexible work hours.

So I see a silver lining for the first time in months. Go me.

Finally, a run

For the first time in a long time, I went for a run (I’m not counting my failed attempts on a treadmill). I did my favorite 2.5 mile hill loop. I only did one, but I did it with the baby. This is the first time, and clearly only time in the next week, that the weather participated. It was a windy 57°F.

It’s the first time in 7 years that I have run with a stroller. Yes, a stroller… not a jogger. I’m still too poor to buy myself one, so I said “f*** it” and just ran with what I had. It was much easier than I remember. I’m not sure if that is because I’m more fit or that strollers are just better. But, that’s misleading. It’s flippin’ hard to run with a stroller. My shoulders are on fire, because I couldn’t relax them. I went at a snails pace, but I didn’t care. It was literally 2x harder to do, and I can’t wait to it again. For about an hour, I remembered the zen that comes with the run. I miss it more than words can express. Maybe when I can get a jogger, I’ll get one my 7yo (nearly 8yo) son can sit in too, and make it a real crazy time. He weighs a totally of 42lbs and is the size of a 5yo, so it’s morally strange but doable.

The fog of my depression lifted for a couple of hours. It was like seeing a rainbow in my dreary sky. I haven’t been this depressed since the tail end of my first marriage. Maybe they are both post-partem, but I’m finding myself short tempted and weak willed. Vegan/vegetarian? Nope. The allure of free food overrides it. I have literately lost no weight and I feel like a cow.

I think it doesn’t help that my birthday is Saturday. I don’t really care about getting older, but bad things just seem to happen around my birthday that all of 6 people will remember. Last year, I just left the house and stayed away. The year before that my cousin tried to commit suicide. Lost a wallet with all my b-day money one year on my way to meet friends at a casino; we were all out of state too and I resemble a teenager even post 30. Or maybe the year where the entire group going to my party cancelled at 3 different days of intended partying. This year, I’ve just lost my beloved cousin. I’m just waiting for the next shoe to drop.

I’m trying to stay positive, because my daughter was conceive the weekend of my birthday last year. It’s the only bright birthday I can remember. I’d go for a long birthday run, but it’s going to snow.

I feel buried already.

Beauty in the Beast

As I have taken up this hobby of blogging, one theme that I have noticed is the theme of beauty. So many people are sitting there talking at what makes people beautiful. How can they be beautiful if they eat what they want, if they cut their arms, if they weigh too much? I think it’s past time to talk about what is beautiful.

People get so caught up in the eyes and ears of others that they lose what beautiful is. Beauty is a sunset on the water and the smile of a child. Beauty is a timeless thing that lasts on forever. Beauty is everywhere. Beauty isn’t how you look or what you lift. Beauty is a full on melt down over a lost sock. Beauty is that chocolate cake that you’ve purged.

Beauty is something inside everyone. Even when you are at your darkest, beauty is burning inside you. It may not always be the brightest flame, but it’s always there waiting to be nurtured. Being the healthiest and happiest you is the best way to take that flame and turn it into a raging inferno that everyone can see. But even when you don’t think you’re worth it, the flame is still lit inside waiting to shine on.

Through all the darkness I read, I want everyone to know that, even in your words, I can see that beauty inside you, and when no one else is in your corner, this perfect stranger is cheering for you. When you are stuck in your silence, I’m still shouting that you’re worth it. Even when you don’t believe it, you are.